An Introduction to Internal Family Systems and How it Can Help in the Peripartum Years

This blog was written by Caitie Jane Parsons, a registered therapeutic counsellor. After her own experience with perinatal depression, she focused her training on supporting mental health in pregnancy and beyond.

In her practice, Caitie Jane often employs Internal Family Systems (IFS). While IFS is a highly effective psychotherapeutic method, the name can be misleading, so Caitie Jane’s blog post provides an introduction to the principles involved and how they can apply in pregnancy and the postpartum period.

Click here and here to learn more about Caitie Jane.

How disposable diapers led me to my soul

When I was a new mother, I found myself in the disposable diaper aisle.

Here was the conversation in my head: “You have cloth diapers at home, what are you doing? You don’t need these ones that go in the garbage. What happened to your principles?”

But another voice said “It’s okay, we can give ourselves a break once in a while. We’ve been so tired lately. It’s so much work leaning over the bathtub with baby poo up to our elbows. Buy the diapers!”

The internal system of parts

All of this inner conversation reflects the fact that inside of me, and inside all of us, there are little subpersonalities, or ‘Parts’. Each of them has their own emotions, needs, wants, fears, and ideas about what is best for us. And sometimes, like when I was in the diaper aisle, our parts are at odds with one another.

It might seem like a troublesome idea to think of ourselves as being fragmented, but Internal Family Systems is a non-pathologizing type of therapy that thinks of ourselves as multidimensional beings. And all the parts inside of us are there to help us. As Dick Schwartz, (the founder of IFS or Internal Family Systems) says “There are no bad parts”.

But what about my parts that make me feel bad or guilty? Like my anxious part? My worried part? Or my part that doomscrolls at night and ensures that I go to bed way later than I should? Those parts are all trying to help in their own way. Follow along as I break it down for you.

Our parts fit into 3 main categories

1. Managers are protectors and work hard to make us look good

Our Managers (protectors) are parts that are preemptive and risk averse. These are our inner critics, our need to control, or the parts of us that monitor how we come across to others. They get us to appointments on time (or not), and they are the ones that start letting us know our to-do list as soon as our eyes open in the morning.

They are also the managers of how life should be lived according to our family, culture, school etc. In parenthood, these might be the parts that feel disappointed that we don’t have the same capacity that we did before the baby arrived.

2. Firefighters are also protectors, but they do crazy stuff

Firefighters show up when we have big feelings that we aren’t able to handle or process. Cue our reactive firefighting parts.

Firefighter protectors can also be known as the more familiar, ‘triggered’ parts. Picture this: a firefighter walks in with a hose to put out the flames (or uncomfortable feelings) and it does not care about the china cabinet, the glass picture frames, or the suede couch - everything is getting doused in water.

Similarly, these firefighting protector parts are trying to make the uncomfortable feelings go away as soon as possible and they do not care what, or who, gets hurt in the process! These parts are the ones that yell at the kids, reach for a salty snack after that annoying phone call, or the one that wants that glass of wine at the end of a long day of toddler tantrums.

3. Exiles are hurt young parts

Exiles are the young vulnerable parts that our Manager and Firefighter protectors are safe-guarding.

These young parts of us were locked up or exiled a long time ago when we faced difficult emotions or events that we didn’t have the capacity or tools to process. These are our inner young ones.

Many of these parts get activated when we become parents. Difficulties with our kids remind us of the difficulties we experienced. When that happens, our protector parts (Managers and Firefighters) start to work a little harder to try to help us. Our whole inner system can get activated as a result.

The good news is that…

…we all also have what IFS calls a ‘Self’, an inner knowing. Some people call it a soul or an inner parent, our wise adult self, or our core self.

We were all born with a ‘Self’ and we already have within us the healing capacity to help and guide our parts.

So what did I do about the diapers?

On that day, I bought the diapers.

But more importantly, I took a deep breath, took note of the inner chatter, and realized that I had some parts talking. That noticing was my Self coming back to take the driver’s seat.

How Internal Family Systems work can help in pregnancy and parenthood

Getting curious about our parts and our triggers can help us navigate the inevitable

challenges of parenthood.

We have the ability to increase the amount of time where the ‘Self’ is leading the way. The Self can allow us to feel more connected to our essence, and to each other.

In therapy we work to help you get to know your parts. Through gentle guidance and exploration we can find out what your parts are needing, and what you are needing. The goal is to help you find your way back to wholeness.

I would love to hear from you if you could use some support with your parenting parts - an initial session is always free.

- Caitie Jane